YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO GET SOMEONE DRUNK ENOUGH TO TOUCH YOUR PENIS

Let’s be fair. Unless you’re Channing Tatum, when you were 18, the only way you could pull was by getting yourself blind drunk and, judging by your bank statement, buying someone else enough drinks to get an actual whale drunk until they found you attractive enough to sleep with you

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Wow, where do we even start with this one? There’s a lot to unpack here.

Fuck it!

Let’s be fair. Unless you’re Channing Tatum, when you were 18, the only way you could pull was by getting yourself blind drunk and, judging by your bank statement, buying someone else enough drinks to get an actual whale drunk until they found you attractive enough to sleep with you.

The ‘Now that you’re 18, you might be able to get someone drunk enough to touch your penis‘ 18th birthday card is the acknowledgement of a rite of passage and a way for you to simultaneously embarrass and honour your buddy/family member.