Introduction
A best-man speech is one of the most stressful (and potentially rewarding) speeches you'll ever have to write. Although, if you’re reading this on Bastard Cards, it’s worth sparing a thought for the groom, too.
The speech is a chance to really show off your personality and make a lasting impression on your friends while also staying true to yourself. Not to mention making the groom blush - just a little.
It's definitely not an easy task — but if you follow these tips, we promise it will be worth it!
Contents
Speech preparation and groundwork
The stakes are high. Get this right and every man, woman and child on the guest list will revere you, drinks will flow in your direction all night and the bond with your best mate will be that bit deeper.
Of course, get it wrong and you’ll either send people to sleep or you’ll ruin a marriage before it’s even begun. So, no pressure.
But don’t worry, we’ve got your back.
In the following sections, we’ll run you through exactly what you need to do to, not only write a killer speech, but to deliver it like prime Mel Gibson in Brave Heart.
Think about the tone of the party
Right. Here’s the thing. Despite how tempting it is to destroy your best man in front of his family, try to resist the urge. If you have to, just play that one out in your mental theatre and have a giggle with yourself.
In our opinion, yes, a truly great best-man speech will, of course, roast the groom throughout to the effect of laughter. But the knack is to make sure you don’t alienate anyone by taking it too far.
The tone of your speech will ultimately be determined by:
- The type of relationship you have with the groom
- The type of relationship you have with the bride
- The type of relationship you have with
- The families and other guests
- The type of party you're attending
- The venue
- The time of your speech
The fact that you’re reading this on Bastard Blog, we’re going to assume that you have a healthy, banter-filled relationship with the groom and that he already knows you’re a bastard. If he knows that and he’s chosen you as his best man, he already trusts your judgement (or he has no other friends) and the tone is currently at DEFCON 1.
If he doesn’t realise that you’re a bastard, or you yourself are actually soft and gooey both inside and out, it’s probably best that you check out another blog - there are only tears and disappointment here.
So, we’ve established you’re probably a relentless bastard who often prefers to greet your pals with expletives rather than pleasantries. But remember, most people are at the wedding to watch the joyous union of someone they love with another human being - not to see that person cry. By all means, if you know both families well and you know that they love the kind of banter depicted in one of our finest best-man cards below, then absolutely, keep that tone where it is.
The chances are that you don’t know enough about most of the family, or the other guests, to crack an incest joke or show them pictures of their relative wearing nothing but sock suspenders and brogues.
Consider the points above and decide whether that footage of them drunkenly streaking outside a school is worth showing, or whether a subtle homage in the form of a cryptic comment will get more tears of laughter from those in the know, and fewer tears of grief.
Think about what the groom doesn't want to hear
You already know what the groom doesn’t want to hear. If you listen carefully, just before making the speech, you’ll hear his thoughts screaming things like “he knows too much, why’d I pick him” and “if he mentions the time I touched a horse’s cock, I’ll kill him”.
Yes, it’s time to think of all those embarrassing moments, shameless antics and little secrets, and to start making a list. The stories and information on your (blackmail) list can serve as a general theme for your speech, appear as one-liners (cryptic or otherwise) and ultimately form the funny parts of your speech.
But, remember to apply your tone. If you have any lead balloons, get rid of them or, at the very least, water them down and embellish them to suit the needs of speech. Undoubtedly, 90% of what makes the list shouldn’t make the speech. But thinking of the stories and your past will help you get your creative juices flowing.
You’ll know the groom, the bride and the wider audience far better than us, so it’s a judgement call on what you include. But generally speaking, there are a few banana skins that are usually a good idea to avoid:
- Ex-wife(s) and/or ex-girlfriend(s) can be pretty funny in the right context but, of course, it depends on the audience and what the story actually is. If it's the right time and place, fine. If it's not then don't go there.
- We’d double-check just if colleagues or bosses are there. While work-related or job-related jokes are generally probably fine, it could get pretty awkward for everyone involved if you accidentally tell the groom’s boss that it was a photocopy of his arse that went to head office at the Christmas party.
- Let’s avoid making kids the butt of any jokes. That doesn’t mean that your jokes can’t contain or relate to kids, just make sure you’re not proverbially knocking kids down (or physically knocking them down… unless it’s your job). It’s a sure way to lose friends - and teeth.
Think about what the groom does want to hear
If the groom chose you as their best man, indeed if you are the groom's best friend, they’re expecting a little embarrassment and a few jokes at their expense. And while we’re sure they’re going to love laughing and they’re looking forward to it, that’s not all they want to hear.
Bastard Cards was created for those who either can’t or chose not to show their true emotions in a traditional sense. You know, in the way that normal people do. With pleasantries and niceties. However, if you want a killer best-man speech, you’re going to need to shake it off and say something genuinely nice and sincere.
It’s time to say what you really mean! Don’t worry, we know it hurts, but we promise it’ll be brief.
Ever notice how the best comedy movies (at least the highest-rated comedy movies) mix comedy with heartfelt moments? It makes the funny moments feel funnier and those genuine, touching moments more acute. That’s your best man speech. 90% groom-bashing, 10% heartfelt sincerity.
Make it personal
You should make it personal. And no, that doesn't mean go for his love handles and combover.
The best man speech is an opportunity to show your relationship with the groom, and how much he means to you. It's not a time for jokes or amusing stories - it's all about him!
Just like the previous (blackmail) list, it’s time to make a list of occasions that epitomise what a great guy he is. So think back on your friendship and try to pinpoint some specific memories that would be appropriate for the occasion.
Some potential areas you may want to touch on include:
- The groom’s relationship with the bride (keeping it positive, of course).
- Talk about all of his good qualities (and how much everyone loves him).
- Highlight what an amazing person his wife is and why they deserve each other.
- Talk about your own feelings and how happy you are for them both.
Be yourself, naturally
The best man speech is a time for you to be yourself, naturally. If you’re not funny, don’t try to be (hopefully some of the stories will provide laughs on your behalf). If you’re not clever, don’t try to be. If you’re not a good speaker, don’t try to be (keep it short).
It's okay if the speech doesn't go perfectly according to plan; it happens!
As long as you get the tone right for the day, then hopefully, you can get some laughs and avoid tears or raging fathers-in-law.
If your tone is slightly lighter than you wanted, you can always gift the bride and groom a beautifully crafted and outrageously offensive greetings card from Bastard Cards.
Top tips for a killer best-man speech
- Prepare for the speech, don't wing it. Practice the speech in front of a mirror for delivery and in front of friends and family for feedback.
- Get a good idea of the length of the speech. No one wants to hear you monologuing for 25 minutes.
- Get a structure in place before you start writing.
- Be yourself, naturally. Play to the strengths of your personality.
- Think about what the groom wants to hear and what he doesn't want to hear.
- Don't be afraid to use humour, but make sure it's appropriate for the audience. Save the inappropriate for the wedding card, so they can open it in discomfort in the comfort of their own home.
- Make it personal. It’s usually a good idea to put this near the very end of the speech. It is essential, but if it makes you feel uncomfortable, end the speech with a light-hearted joke followed by a toast.
Conclusion
If you follow these tips, the best man speech will be a success. The key is to be yourself and use (borderline) appropriate humour coupled with your genuine, sincere feelings toward the groom and his bride. If you can do that, then the audience and the best man will love it.